STU ON LINE
Hi there, I am Stuart, I am an assistant editor or some such of this esteemed organ. I write on here occasionally and as Starbuck is away skiing, he has asked me to play a larger part.
(please note use of "esteemed organ" and "play a larger part", both of which could be construed as extremely funny in the right context)
Anyway, skiing. What's it all about eh? I will count myself happily (or more accurately unhappily) as within that percentage of the population who could "do with losing a few pounds". However, when the mood takes me, I attempt varying degrees of running, cycling and other non-team based, solitary exercising activities. The exercise that would be at the bottom of my list would be skiing.
"WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?" you shout, clipping your plastic (or whatever they are; they could be made of marble for all I know) protuberances to your feet, whilst shrieking to your "chums" about which slope you'll "tackle" first as you quaff down your vino eying up that new bloke who's just flown in with his disheveled hairdo and useless but gorgeous demeanor OH how you just know he's only truly at home on a sheepskin rug with a log fire behind, probing probing seeking out your upper slopes on his carnal ski lift...
Anyway you get the idea (possibly). I have never been skiing, which gives me the perfect excuse and opportunity to judge. If I wanted to get plastered every night for a week and cop off with members of the opposite sex I (a) would not be married and (b) would go to pubs or bars or clubs in order to do so. If I wanted to do serious exercise I would (a) not drink so much and (b) go to the gym. If I wanted to do a half arsed attempt at both, surrounded by people who would drive me mad, wearing expensive and ridiculous clothing, whilst cultivating a ridiculous tan on the parts of my face not covered by my ridiculous sunglasses, I would... well you can guess the rest.
SO WHY would the man who I thought would probably share such irrationally confrontational and ill considered views BE THERE NOW doing WHAT THOSE PEOPLE DO and why will he inevitably come back saying GOSH I REALLY WANTED TO GET DRUNK EVERY NIGHT BUT QUITE HONESTLY WHEN WE GOT BACK AFTER A DAY WE WERE SOOOOOOOOO TIRED AND WE HAD SUUUUUUUCH AN EARLY START AND REALLY YOU USE MUSCLES YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD AND oh get over yourselves.